David Kirkpatrick

January 10, 2010

Doesn’t it seem like the Pats have been a bit star-crossed …

… ever since Spygate broke a couple of years ago? Defensive leader, linebacker Tedy Bruschi suffers a stroke about three years before the story comes to light as an opening karmic salvo against the cheating team by the gods of football. Then last year the franchise, quarterback Tom Brady, loses just about the entire 2008 season to a major knee injury dooming the team to missing the playoffs. Last week star wide receiver Wes Welker blows a knee right before this year’s playoffs. And now today’s display.

What if Spygate went much, much deeper than anyone realizes. Here’s one scenario:

(Note for conceptually and hyperbole challenged readers: the following is satire [see definition number two from the link] and not actual conjecture, analysis or inside information,)

Recall back in the summer of 2005. Patriots owner Bob Kraft meets with Russian President Vladimir Putin, and hands the world leader his ring from the recent Super Bowl victory over the Philadelphia Eagles for examination. After looking the ring over and trying it on, Putin calmly and smilingly slides the ring into his pocket saying nothing. Essentially daring Kraft to protest this blatant and public theft, and act of total disrespect.

What if, instead of some sort of cultural misunderstanding or just simple robbery by Putin, this act was Putin’s gangster way of exacting a little more flesh from a business associate. Very possibly beyond simple in-stadium cameras trained on opposing sidelines, the New England Patriots engaged the services of Russia’s spy apparatus — namely spy satellites engaged to not only catch signals called, but possibly even sideline conversations through lip-reading technology coupled with real time satellite images capable of pinpoint resolution.

Of course, once you go down that particular rabbit hole, where does it end? Black ops agents infiltrating other NFL teams? Subtle disabling hits (think poisoning — we all know post-USSR Russia has experience and expertise in this field) against opposing players and coaches?

And consider the bitter irony of a team named the “Patriots” getting into bed with the United State’s bitter cold war foe. No wonder the football gods frowned, conferred and rendered a dark judgement asunder.

May the fall of the cheating, and possibly traitorous, New England Patriots be cold, bitter and very, very long.

(Yeah, I know I used “bitter” a lot there in the last two grafs. Maybe it’s the bitter taste in my mouth from these dark revelations.)

June 13, 2008

Real life imitates art, the Boondocks version

Filed under: Arts, et.al., Media, Politics — Tags: , , , , , — David Kirkpatrick @ 4:04 pm

It looks the actual R. Kelly child prostitution trial turned into something very close to the “Boondocks” episode on that trial.  The fictional animated show is a great social satire. Sounds the real-life trial was more a farce.

From the NRO (second) link:

Great Moments in Jurisprudence   [Mark Hemingway]

Incredibly, R&B singer R. Kelly was just acquitted on 14 counts related to child pornography after a videotape of him surfaced some years ago in which he could be clearly seen micturating on and fornicating with 14-year-old girl. That’s bad enough, but here’s the kicker from his attorney’s closing arguments:

Showing the jury a studio photograph of the alleged victim on a large screen, he then told them that if they were going to find Kelly guilty of 14 counts of child pornography, “you are going to have to call (the alleged victim) 14 times individually and collectively a whore.”

Barely audible, he whispered, “My momma told me when we were kids, ‘if you ain’t got something nice to say about someone, don’t say it about her.”

He concluded his argument saying, “How are you 14 times going to call her a whore?”

Now hold up. R. Kelly shouldn’t be found guilty for videotaping the the sexual abuse of an adolescent girl because it would ruin her reputation?! What is this? Saudi Arabia?


April 2, 2008

Belated April Fools gag

Filed under: et.al., Politics — Tags: , , , — David Kirkpatrick @ 2:44 am

Just checked my email account listed on the “about” page and found this link from a reader.

I so can’t believe it’s too late for April Fools I’m posting it anyway …

From the link:

Chelsea Clinton has joined online dating service MillionaireMatch with the hope of raising additional funds for her mom’s presidential campaign. News of it broke when one of Barack Obama’s aides joined the service and found himself to be a match with Chelsea.

When asked about it, Hillary Clinton, in a battle for the Democratic presidential nomination said, “Right now it is about funding the campaign and what better way than for Chelsea to date a few millionaires who can help us out in the final stretch? She’s gone on dates with Superdelegates, so why not millionaires?”

Earlier this morning, Barack Obama was asked if the Clinton campaign could do that.

“Yes she can,” said Obama.

“Listen, I’m all about change,” he continued, “and if Hillary Clinton and her daughter can find ways to raise more change then I applaud them.”

After making the statement, one reporter overheard Obama asking his campaign manager to find out how many millionaires are on WealthyMen.com.

When reporters first told Bill Clinton about Chelsea joining a millionaire dating site to raise funds, he responded, “are there women millionaires on there too?”

February 21, 2008

Political satire Dem-style

Filed under: Media, Politics — Tags: , , , , , — David Kirkpatrick @ 12:35 am

If you are an aficionado of political satire, these two pieces on the ongoing Obama/Clinton dust up are must reads.

From Hanlon’s Razor here, and The Private Intellectual here.

Go forth and enjoy …

February 17, 2008

Cthulhu worshippers rejoice

Filed under: Arts, et.al., Politics — Tags: , , , — David Kirkpatrick @ 1:57 am

For all those H.P. Lovecraft fans out there, here’s a (obviously ficticious in case anyone isn’t clear) campaign speech by a follower of Cthulhu Worship defending the religion, a la Romney and Mormonism.

A funny read made even better if you’re familiar with the Esoteric Order of Dagon.

(Hat tip: Hit & Run)